Scott has had a good couple of pieces lately. I can confirm his observations here.
In my profession, it is absolutely imperative that I come across as warm, inviting and empathic. This does not come naturally to me. I have had to work very hard at it, and for all intents and purposes, it is a honed act. Its why, in general I have gravitated to assessment, forensics, military psychology, research, etc. Therapy is my LEAST favorite thing to do. But I am proud of the work I have done on myself. In fact, I was just discussing last night with Mychael how awkward my conversations with another provider in my clinic has been, because that provider is very much on the spectrum. I said “she makes me seem like a super engaging person” to which my sweet wife responded “but the major difference is you’re also friendly and warm.”
No one in my life has ever described me that way. And this is the result of a tremendous amount of work I have done on myself. What most people who encounter those on the spectrum don’t understand is–the stand offishness is not because we don’t need affection, its because affection/touch is experienced as so intense that it makes us feel like we are going to fly to pieces.
A lot of extroverts would consider people such as Scott and I as on the spectrum — using some form of checklist. But we are not. We have the ability to act as we are not naturally. We have interpersonal gears and can increase or decrease the intensity of our interactions depending on whom we are talking to.
For being warm and nonjudgmental helps rarely. Truth helps more.
But most people can handle only a certain amount of truth.
Do you have any idea how mad people get when they find out that the marshmallow coats a titanium backbone?
Yes. They complain to the employer and worse
Better off as you are.
I do not look like Scott. I look like a nerd who lifts. People think I am soft and slow until the coffee wears off and I start saying what I think. But at least I’m not the party type. People tire me out
At least you don’t look like Mrs. Santa Claus.
Obviously I’m not in a helping profession, but I am also one who has overcome INTJ tendencies (*) to often surprise people with a touch of a backbone. Well said.
(* and if that way of describing people is nonsense, fair enough, was just what I was told I am)
Pingback: We will not be converged. | Dark Brightness
“For being warm and nonjudgmental helps rarely. Truth helps more.”
Even truth holds little appeal for those who enjoy experiencing emotions. I had to learn to be passionate about the things I say and it actually hurts. I’ve had sleepless nights after spirited online discussions because of strained “emotion muscles”.
It’s getting dangerous to be an introvert. People from car mechanics to book authors have taken advantage of my disinterest in social games and presumption of honesty. Had to learn the hard way that part of a low-trust society is an “it’s okay to cheat someone if they don’t stop you” attitude.
Extroverts probably see it as a game whereas an introvert would feel betrayed. It would explain much of human demographics if people enjoyed lying to each other more than figuring out how to keep warm in the winter.
Introversion is a gift, especially when you’re aware of it. I’ve found Myer Briggs quite useful (INFP here), understanding what makes me tick has helped me combat my natural reactions. It’s helped me work on being both assertive and at times, truthfully aggressive. Learning not to give a s*it when people around me are acting like turkeys has been a real revelation.
I think however there’s a knack to be truthful and supportive (warm, if you may). In my line of work I often have to tell people they are wrong, the warmth comes from inviting them to participate in their own improvement.