To me, Frame is a jargon word. It comes out of work. The simple explanation is that it is remaining consistent and having rules when there is chaos all over the place.

This came up at work this week (what do you do when someone continually demands admission by stating they will suicide? The answer is set up a frame, and not rescue them. It works… by making them responsible).

The trouble is that at work we do not love our clients. That is reserved for our children and spouses, as is proper. As an example, today I met one of the young women who is taking time out of training to have babies. She described her two-year old throwing a 40 minute tantrum when number two was bought home… and how she (good psychiatry trainee) and her husband (good pediatrician) felt powerless.

However, we know rules are needed for little people. They kind of help with big people as well.

So to the question. Will Said…

I said…

You need frame. Frame is structure. Frame is rules. She is responsible for her behaviour, not you. You have limits on your behaviour, and to live in a civilized manner we need to stay within this structure. Walking away helps at times. Being calm, quiet and firm works.

When I deal with the most unstable emotional people I neither run nor freak. I look at the problem and become a robot. I sort the problem. I don’t emote and I do not pretend to share their pain. I try to understand it and sort it.

At times we are all vulnerable and need to know that the one person we are intimate will not fall apart when we do. So you do not fall apart. If she cannot keep to those rules, then… I either leave and she has to sort it out herself or she works with me to get it back together and get on with the tasks at hand.

Being an empathic blob helps no one

I did not say this was easy. Because it is not. But at times you need to be the person who mechanically keeps things going because the kids are stressed and you have no one else, or worse, your partner is freaking out. Clarence said this

Sorry Chris, but there is no guaranteed proven way to deal with such tamper tantrums because the reasons vary why she is having them. Does she want (literally need attention you aren’t giving her?) attention for a legitimate issue? Is she used to getting her way and you won’t give it to her? Does she want to pick a fight for whatever of 2000 plus  various reasons, some of which are downright evil?

Now, my answer at the time is that I am at work. But I want to revisit this for a minute. In doing this, I am reflecting on how my marriage imploded and mistakes I have made: working with families for some 20 years, and dealing with family. I’m not pretending I am perfect — I spent far too many years being fearful, overly subservient, and without a spine. And that worked out badly — in fact doubling down made things worse. However, the one compliment I get is that my children are doing well. (As they are) despite being solo.

Let’s start with a bit of theology.  God used a woman, Mary, the Theotokos to carry Jesus and to raise him. He obeyed his mother and father. But Joseph was the person guided by God to take the family to Egypt and taught him his trade. The Biblical model is Judaic, and is a mixture of Matrilineal (you must have a Jewish mother to be Jewish) and Patriarchal (Fathers make the big decisions).

Women help and have much power, but the family structure has the father accountable for his children. This is why Paul states that an elder should rule his family wisely , and if he cannot he should not lead.

The role of the leader is not to freak. Full stop. You have to not break until the tantrum is over. You can indicate that this is not good, not civilized, and that you do not approve. You can not turn up to things that make this worse. You can advise a woman not to do this.

But you cannot stop her. Legally. Forcibly (the law is a subset of this: all laws are enforced by hard men). Civil marriage is a fraud. It is built not on covenant or sacrament, but on the instability of our emotional weather.

Now, if you have been spineless, and put your foot down, you will be ignored. You will be seen as beneath contempt. You are merely a chump.

So you have to start by removing yourself from the scene — emotionally, physically. You need to look after the others in the house. If it not safe for a woman to be with her kids (and this happens frequently) you may have to separate and take the kids and get your act together. You may need to stop the joint banking account and run on cash only without her having ATM access during this period. Keep your kids safe.

Then work on yourself. Hit the gym. Eat right. (You do not need a gym: the road, a few weights and the crossfit site may be enough unless you have multiple injuries. I have, so I have a gym where a coach stops me injuring myself). Dress neatly. Develop opinions: read, think, argue. (Helping your kids with the homework aides this).

By doing this you are regaining a bit of authority. You can then spend your mana (or clout) by setting some rules. This puts your wife in a quandary. If you have done the above, you are no longer a chump. You have given her a structure. She may hate it, resent it, fight against it… but she will be happier with it.

Or she can leave, take the cash and prizes, and retire herself to that shelf full of spinsters. In that case, this reformed person says that you should let her go. She is in rebellion, and we are called to live in peace. If she cannot abide the clear teaching of the church and will not reconcile, she should be allowed to go: she has broken the covenant and has placed herself beyond the Pale.

Among the reformed, this has consequences. If one is divorced for the only two legitimate reasons the Westminster Confession has — adultery and abandonment — then a person should account their spouse as if they are dead and are free to remarry, but not their ex-wife. Divorce should be rare, but is a one-way door.

And, if you find yourself in this state (which I pray you do not: divorces not only hurt you financially, spiritually and psychologically but also can seriously damage your kids) then you have to examine your life. Ask why you ended up living in fear. Why you were lying. Why you did not confront the small habits of depreciation and snark that remove the ability for two people to live together in a civilized manner.

Now, to quote Alte

Realize an ugly truth: women like alphas. Yes they do. They all do. There are no exceptions other than lesbians. The difference between “good girls” and “bad girls” is that the good girls have more self-control. They understand that alpha-chasing will keep them from meeting other goals they have in life, like marrying you. And they didn’t marry you because you weren’t an alpha, they married you because they were hoping you’d be a bit alpha-ish. That’s right, they picked you out for your “alpha potential”. If you don’t live up to that potential, she’ll lose interest

 

Many men are easily upset by their wife’s moods because they take it personally. Simply accept that she’s just nuts sometimes, and it won’t seem so frightening. Don’t try to “calm her down”; it will just put you in the line of fire.

If she starts to rant on, and you can see her self-control start to slip, simply walk away. She will either become immediately quiet in shock, or she will get even more worked up and start yelling at you Don’t you walk away from me! If that occurs, leave the room, or even the house. Just get away, until she cools down and becomes rational again. You might have to take the kids with you. And the fine china, if she’s so inclined.If something similar occurs while you are driving the car, pull over immediately and stop the vehicle. Get out, or make her get out, until you both calm down. Do not drive with a crazy woman in your car.

I know that sometimes her anger is justified and righteous, and your guilt tempts you to stay and “talk it out”, but that doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that you get the heck away from her, until she calms down. You can discuss the actual topic later. Right now just concentrate on self-preservation, and avoid getting chased with golf clubs, or pushed to violence yourself

Alphas do not ask, they just get on and do things, expecting that others will follow. They set the rules. And the reason for frame, for rules, is that we are imperfect, and developing habits that train us to be good-enough husbands and wives is better than developing habits that train us to be wimps and feminists. For if the framework of our relationships is not carefully and explicitly designed, it will grow in other ways — relying on mere luck.

We would not allow this for our children. Our wife should be as precious, or more so. Do not allow it for her.