Yesterday I read Dalrock’s warning to men about how women in the Church are seeing any deviation from their definition of holiness as abuse or grounds for divorce. Overnight, CL asked about personality disorders. For the purposes of this discussion, a personality disorder will be defined as a person who habitually distorts the reality around them.
1 Transgression speaks to the wicked deep in their hearts; there is no fear of God before their eyes.
2 For they flatter themselves in their own eyes that their iniquity cannot be found out and hated.
3 The words of their mouths are mischief and deceit; they have ceased to act wisely and do good.
4 They plot mischief while on their beds; they are set on a way that is not good; they do not reject evil.
I want to contrast what the Psalmist said with grerp’s comment over at dalrocks:
Correlation, not causation. In a divorce-friendly culture people who choose to hang in there probably have the kinds of characteristics necessary to create a happier marriage. In places where divorce is illegal, there are probably plenty of terribly unhappy couples who just keep on making each other miserable decade after decade. That does not, however, negate the fact that marriage is good for society, good for children, women, and men (in that order). It seems brutal to allow for no loopholes on divorce, but once you have loopholes, they quickly get expanded to tunnel size by anyone looking for an easier short term. And, long term, there is much, much more unhappiness for everyone.
I completely agree with you that the Church goes far too easy on divorce. The different denominations are probably (legitimately) afraid that if they take a hard line now, they will lose a significant proportion of their congregations. But that is a weak position for a leader to take, and probably why so many have abandoned the church despite its openness to modern mores.
One of the key things here is that PD people do not accept correction. At all. Their justifications distort reality. Like a hoarder who cannot let go of one item of their junk, they cannot change one of their habits. This leads to eventually either them walking out of their marriage (for no one can keep the standards they require to “earn” the right to be their spouse) or using projective identification, being abandoned.
Regardless of which, they PD will feel completely justified in his or her actions. One of the reasons men should avoid women who habitually rationalize is that this may mask PD. Because PD people can and do look righteous and perfect: they are acting while most of us struggle.