The song is Tim and Neil Finn, two Catholic boys from the Waikato, who sort of became famous. The harmonica, Johnny Marr. Whenever people tell me that New Zealand music is awful I start giggling… and then name (because it is generally Australians who make that error) the Kiwis in bands they think are local. And this song is based around a local saying about the weather: We have four seasons in one day (or, if you don’t like the weather, wait ten minutes and it will change. The Finns moved this to be a metaphor for life, and it surely is a metaphor for what happens in relationships.

Now, there has been a long thread over at TC about men basically giving up on relationships and having virtual girlfriends. Forget courting, they are not dating. Or meeting anyone.

Van Roonieck described the joys of rejection quite well in the thread

I was once informed by one of my pastors, that he had been counseling a young single woman regarding dating/marriage prospects. Somewhere in the discussion, said pastor got round to suggesting ME: “What about [van Rooinek]?” — “EWWW!!!!!” was her reaction. Needless to say, the pastor didn’t tell me who it was, but he felt compelled to warn me what sort of reaction was triggering some of the women (she apparently wasn’t the only one, just the most vehement). HE DIDN’T KNOW WHY, though.

Not to brag, but I’m tall, handsome, and at the time was in top shape. It wasn’t physical. Her “ewwwww!!!!” reaction must have been driven by something else. Like, me not being “cool”. Or, still being a virgin. (Yes, Christian women are often of 2 minds on that trait in a man.) Or, as I found out many years later, some really awful rumors made the rounds about me at that church — that could be it, or part of it.

Whatever the reason, if a decent guy politely approaches a woman, and — totally unforeseeable to him — he provokes in her a gut-level “ewwww!” reaction, she may be so offended and caught so off guard, that she rips him a new one, despite the fact that she’s nice to everyone else, and even has been nice to him in every other context up til then — so her venomous reaction is a total shock

I don’t know a single heteresexual male who has not caused the Eeew response. Most women, god bless them, are polite, and will do Let us just be friends. (LJBF).  But when you repeatedly get told to Fark off and Die, Loser (what Van called the nuclear option… confidence goes.

And… Ladies, us guys simply do not understand what is going on in your head. Most of the time we don’t try. We would just like someone to be nice to us. And we can even get that wrong.

Now. let’s look at Jacob and Rachel: one of the love at first sight bits in the Bible.

Genesis 29:1-20

¹Then Jacob went on his journey, and came to the land of the people of the east. ²As he looked, he saw a well in the field and three flocks of sheep lying there beside it; for out of that well the flocks were watered. The stone on the well’s mouth was large, ³and when all the flocks were gathered there, the shepherds would roll the stone from the mouth of the well, and water the sheep, and put the stone back in its place on the mouth of the well.

⁴Jacob said to them, “My brothers, where do you come from?” They said, “We are from Haran.” ⁵He said to them, “Do you know Laban son of Nahor?” They said, “We do.” ⁶He said to them, “Is it well with him?” “Yes,” they replied, “and here is his daughter Rachel, coming with the sheep.” ⁷He said, “Look, it is still broad daylight; it is not time for the animals to be gathered together. Water the sheep, and go, pasture them.” ⁸But they said, “We cannot until all the flocks are gathered together, and the stone is rolled from the mouth of the well; then we water the sheep.”

⁹While he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep; for she kept them. ¹⁰Now when Jacob saw Rachel, the daughter of his mother’s brother Laban, and the sheep of his mother’s brother Laban, Jacob went up and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of his mother’s brother Laban. ¹¹Then Jacob kissed Rachel, and wept aloud. ¹²And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father’s kinsman, and that he was Rebekah’s son; and she ran and told her father.

¹³When Laban heard the news about his sister’s son Jacob, he ran to meet him; he embraced him and kissed him, and brought him to his house. Jacob told Laban all these things, ¹⁴and Laban said to him, “Surely you are my bone and my flesh!” And he stayed with him a month.

¹⁵Then Laban said to Jacob, “Because you are my kinsman, should you therefore serve me for nothing? Tell me, what shall your wages be?” ¹⁶Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷Leah’s eyes were lovely, and Rachel was graceful and beautiful. ¹⁸Jacob loved Rachel; so he said, “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel.”

Now, as someone who is divorced, I will say your mileage may vary, but some comments:

• Love is unfair. Leah loved Jacob as well. There was nothing wrong with Leah. But Jacob loved Rachel. He married Leah as a means to get to Rachel, and did this because he was tricked by Laban.  If you get men together and they discuss the beauties of the day, there will be very limited agreement.
• Women respond to service. No, I don’t mean our abilities as stallions. But Jacob ignored the rules of the area and opened the well up and watered the sheep. He showed competence and leadership. He helped Rachel. Consider, for a second, Sense and Sensibility. The heroine hates, hates the hero until she finds out that he has bought her sister’s wastrel husband a Captaincy.
• You need to meet before you court. This is where some of the ultravirigin movement — who want men to beg their fathers to allow them to court — get it wrong. You have to meet. A man has to be aware of you. You, yourself have to be attractive and competent. Rachel was a shepherdess: her flock showed any herdsman her skill. Men do not just magically appear.

Finally, you need to, once you have found a person who is as crazy for you as you are for them, you must stay the course. You must ignore the weather. The final clip is from another musical genius and it is a warning: she is sad because she has lost her Northern Lad — because the thrill went. She can no longer go to those secret places she could only go with him. And telling herself that it is time to turn the page does not assuage her grief.

Love, in the end, is a choice we make each day to put that person, that specific person’s happiness and best above our own. It is not a continuation of the single lifestyle. And it should be a bulwark against the storms of life, not something that collapses when the weather changes.