Prayer: Is God found most when we feel failure?

I want to start today with the fear of the abyss, in part because the scripture today leads us right over it. We will be accused: we will be challenged, and we will have this voice telling us that there are other things that are important, for busyness can be a way of avoiding that which is needed. The fear is real.

Do you have that … half fear of falling into the abyss of otherness that comes with intense prayer? It’s stupid, because God is totally trustworthy, but I’m always nervous that giving myself totally to prayer will involve staying in the prayer closet half the day… and I’ve things to get done.

I do not have that fear. My worry is that my mind will drift, and that with nothing to do the mind will spin where it ought not to go. Opposition is real, and our response to opposition is often fear, for realistic reasons. We can be threatened by those who will kill, and at times we, as Christians, are killed. Because the Jezebels of this world do exist.

1 Kings 19:1-8

¹Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. ²Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So may the gods do to me, and more also, if I do not make your life like the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.” ³Then he was afraid; he got up and fled for his life, and came to Beer-sheba, which belongs to Judah; he left his servant there.

⁴But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a solitary broom tree. He asked that he might die: “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my ancestors.” ⁵Then he lay down under the broom tree and fell asleep. Suddenly an angel touched him and said to him, “Get up and eat.” ⁶He looked, and there at his head was a cake baked on hot stones, and a jar of water. He ate and drank, and lay down again. ⁷The angel of the LORD came a second time, touched him, and said, “Get up and eat, otherwise the journey will be too much for you.” ⁸He got up, and ate and drank; then he went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb the mount of God.

Elijah had firstly fled from the kingdom of Israel into that of Judah: he had crossed a border, for Jezebel was after his head. The context is that Elijah had just put Ba’al and the prophets of Ba’al to the test, ending a drought, and the people had killed all the prophets of that evil deity with his encouragement. Jezebel was pagan, and she wanted payback.

And Elijah is now facing a cliff, an abyss. He sees himself as a failure, but God does not. Let’s look an another example that reverses this.

John 6:1-14

¹After this Jesus went to the other side of the Sea of Galilee, also called the Sea of Tiberias. ²A large crowd kept following him, because they saw the signs that he was doing for the sick. ³Jesus went up the mountain and sat down there with his disciples. ⁴Now the Passover, the festival of the Jews, was near. ⁵When he looked up and saw a large crowd coming toward him, Jesus said to Philip, “Where are we to buy bread for these people to eat?” ⁶He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he was going to do. ⁷Philip answered him, “Six months’ wages would not buy enough bread for each of them to get a little.” ⁸One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to him, ⁹“There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish. But what are they among so many people?” ¹⁰Jesus said, “Make the people sit down.” Now there was a great deal of grass in the place; so they sat down, about five thousand in all. ¹¹Then Jesus took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated; so also the fish, as much as they wanted. ¹²When they were satisfied, he told his disciples, “Gather up the fragments left over, so that nothing may be lost.” ¹³So they gathered them up, and from the fragments of the five barley loaves, left by those who had eaten, they filled twelve baskets. ¹⁴When the people saw the sign that he had done, they began to say, “This is indeed the prophet who is to come into the world.”

Why had the people turned up? To see this man who does miracles. What did he do? He fed them: out of very little he fed a crowd of at least five thousand people (the six months wages i.e enough money to feed a family for 180 days kind of makes sense if you think that there were more than men in the crowd — in fact it’s probably an underestimate).

But he then started teaching that he was the bread of life, and he was food indeed: and the crowd disappeared, leaving but a handful.

Externally, Jesus was not measuring up. He was failing in his mission. The people were not getting reached. He was breaking all the rules of corporate Churchianity: he should have stuck with the signs and wonders and made bread every day.

And never challenged us about what our own personal Ba’al is.

I’m not very good at prayer and I don’t have a very good theology about this. But some thoughts.

• You have to keep short accounts.  I cannot pray when I am contemplating my favourite vices, be they greed, lust, covetousness or wrath. I need to deal with this first. I need to repent, and confess. Daily. And a confession without a resolution to change is empty. Again, failure in trying to change is better than not trying to change at all.
• The Psalms are a royal road to praising God. Read them, and thank him. I usually do not quote the Psalms here, but I read them, and I need to slow down and read them again. Today’s Psalms are about how majestic Cod is, and how he can provide for us. We need to be a heck of a lot more thankful for what we have, for he gave it to us.
• Lists of petitions are not merely OK, they are mandated.  And I don’t pray neatly, with praise, then confession, then petitions… I’m thinking of this person or that person and praying for them.
• Honesty must be there. Elijah may have been saying something like “That woman will torture me to death. God, take me now. I’ve had it. I’m exhausted”. He was not happy, he was in despair. That’s OK. It is OK to pray that you are full of wrath, or desire, or greed — God I need help now or I will. not. step. away. from. that. cake. and the scales tell me that Christmas has added to my gut — because Christ was tested in all things. You can be honest with God.
• Concreted is good. I find it easier to think about specifics. World peace? Our church as one? Cannot comprehend. At this point often it’s best to use formulas and words others have put together and tested — for our rulers are too often the opposition for the church.

In rapturous contemplation of God many saints have found great strength, and out of their prayer time — often hours — they have been very productive. One of the legends about Luther is that he once said that he was increasing his prayer time to four hours a day because he was getting so busy — and prayer allowed him to prioritize.

But I am no saint. I’ve got a son wanting breakfast.

We have to pray, It’s not how we feel — most of the time I think I am talking to a rock, or a cliff, and nothing is happening. But we need to converse with someone if we want a relationship.  If we walk away, we are not in a relationship, we are not abiding in him, and we will die spiritually, as we will inevitably die physically.

So today, I pray that we will have the courage to pray, for there is no abyss before us, but instead God. Who loves us dearly, and will provide our needs: which include how to pray in this day.