I’m not talking here about those who are born celibate and continent. I know some people who have never married — not because they would make their spouse miserable, as they are thoroughly decent people, but those who have yet to marry, or those who no longer are married.
Now, for those of us who like sex, like being married, and hate being alone, celibacy sucks. We cannot see the joy in this song (which Natalie Merchant emphasizes by adding a folk song at the end).
When I was recently divorced, I was fighting for my kids. I would have been a miserable husband, and I really was not interested in dating. Around the time I was going to get the kids, I did fall in love, but realized that this was not an appropriate time or a person who could give what was needed, and ended that relationship.
When the kids came to live with me, I remained single. Some years I did not date at all. The kids needed that much energy.
And now they are established… I remain cautious.
This is not because I have any theological issues about divorce. I’m reformed, and to me the Westminster Confession is clear: those who are divorced can remarry (well, the non innocent parties have a heck of repentance to do, as do we all).
It is not because my friends are all such a bunch of nerds and geeks that they are unattractive. I have good female friends who are quite cute. And it’s not because I’m wired to desire men — as one friend found out when she was getting ready to go out and thought it was OK to change in front of me. (I left the room for a few minutes. Yes, we had an excellent meal).
It is that we have to be able to live with ourselves, and take responsibility for our own words and our own deeds. And after a period of living with another, learning to stand alone takes time. Until you are whole, you have no business dating.
[And as a Christian, if you are not looking for a spouse, you should not date at all.]
Now, there are some people (God bless them) who can easily cope with this. Who do not get tempted, and who are often called to do things that parents cannot do. The pioneer missionaries are often single, because the risks (of death) are so high.
The rest of us should pray that we are not thrust into this desert. But if we find ourselves there, we have to make the best of this. So some suggestions.
1. If you have kids, they come first. Negotiate for the best outcome (which i s having their father around) and if needed, deal with the family court.
2. Find a church. One that does not see the older singles as either gay or some form of Sunday Morning Dating Circle.
3. Get your life organized. Get fit. Rediscover interests. Share them with your kids.
(The family that plays together stays together. Even if it is Halo).
4, Model yourself on Godly men who rule their family (which is a requirement of eldership) and/or model Christian wifehood (which is also a requirement of eldership — that his wife is submissive, Godly and can teach). If you cannot find this (which is all to common) go read the blogs that model Christian masculinity and femininity. The blogroll is a good place to start.
5. Be prepared for rejection. Become choosy. Look beyond the Captains girl triad (boobs, legs and ass) and discuss theology with her. Dalrock has excellent advice here.
6. Finally, continue to live. Your self worth does not depend on having anyone on your arm. It is how you obey, how you do good, and how you influence others to do likewise.
And remember, for many, in this fallen age, being single is rational.
