On the table at present is an Aussie book, Aussies are fun. They are incredibly politically correct, and the SJW memes are strong in them, but they are also honest. And in the paperback forward there is ac omment about a husband trying to help his wife deal with returning to work. The Author was jubilant, for they were using a solution to feeding a child when weaning to a bottle is difficult she used, and she thought one less woman is crying in the loo because she misses her babe.
I understand this. When the Medical Council changes its policies so that a female medic must remain continually in practice and cannot take a year off to be a Mum — which happened between son one and son two being born — and the maternal service cut the post natal stay down to hours so wome go home to their babes without support or a nights sleep (which happened at the same time) one sees up close and very personal how the woman you have committed yourself to struggles just to keep their career going.
And your motivation to provide, as a man, increases. I managed to get my exams during that period by the simple expedient of giving up training and sleep. We ate, cared for kids, and slept when we could.
Crabb is a successful journalist, with some flexibility, who has managed, like many of the women I know, to keep on working by having their husbands help more, their parents help a lot, and trying like hell to find good child care. Nannies are for the elite, the wealthy, and those women (of the elite) who tell women to lean in and men to help more have a battalion of workers making it easier for them.
They miss a point: the mortgage still must be paid. In Auckland that means you need to generate at least 150K (middle class houses start at around 700K) and the average salary is 60K. Men have to work like rabid weasels to ensure their is bacon on the bread, not dripping, and are exhausted. Small kids are tiring enough.
Add the extra burdens that our society puts on people and things break. In the end, my marriage broke: I ended up raising kids solo.
The best solution here is not to play.
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!
No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.
To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?
Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision. For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God. Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called. Were you a bondservant when called? Do not be concerned about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.) For he who was called in the Lord as a bondservant is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a bondservant of Christ. You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men. So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.
I am not an example here. I’ve failed: I’m not really one to teach saying that I preserved the family from the depredations of the family court. I did not. I pray that what I have done in the last few years has allowed for the boys to recover and some of the damage has been repaired, but (having one) I hate divorce..
This calls for discernment. You may deeply love your girlfriend, young man. But you need to refrain, and pray, and test, and ensure there is faithfulness, and faith. For there is an accountability (Hat tip here wintry knight).
Young man, if you marry, you are accountable to God for the family: and to the congregation for this. If you want to be a leader and have a missional role, it starts in your family. So start praying. It’s difficult. But all worthwhile things are.
We live in a culture that sees us primarily as individuals who simply make associations with each other. Marriage is generally seen as just a partnership between two separate people. The Christian view of marriage, however, is radically different. The Bible says that the two become one. Not two that have a connection, but one. God doesn’t give separate overall missions to each individual person. There is only one overall calling for that one marriage entity. A husband and wife are a family and have a calling together, but the husband bears the primary responsibility for fulfilling that mission while the wife bears the primary responsibility for supporting her husband’s work toward the family’s calling.
That is what it means, for example, that the husband is the spiritual head or leader of the family. A husband will answer to God for the spiritual health of his family in a way that the wife will not because it is the man’s primary responsibility. His calling, above all, is to lead his family to know and serve God. Other parts of his mission may involve outreach beyond his family such as missions work, serving in the church, witnessing to coworkers, etc., but his primary responsibility before God is to lead his own family and ensure their spiritual health. A wife’s primary responsibility in this area is to support her husband’s leadership to ensure that chaos does not derail their family’s spiritual journey and that her husband has the time and energy to devote to spiritual leadership because he isn’t distracted by other minor concerns.
The story comes to mind of Acts 6 and the choosing of deacons to take care of details like feeding the needy so that the apostles could concentrate on preaching and teaching. This kind of hierarchy is found throughout life, not just in marriage. It’s not about inferiority, it’s about efficiency in fulfilling a purpose. It was the deacons’ role to handle logistics so that the apostles could spend their time pursuing the main mission of preaching the word and saving souls. In the same way, it is a wife’s role to handle logistics of the home so that her husband can concentrate his energy on pursuing the family’s main mission for God.
To the young woman I have but one comment: You married him. Do not leave him. It is for life. When you have children, they will be your priority for the rest of your life. Being a mother is a high and holy calling, but being a wife is even greater. As I said, I’m divorced, and I miss having a wife: there are communication systems that women have and sensitivities that come with the feminine. Be aware that being a wife is a role and Crabb is correct: there is a drought of wives. Why to I say to the young woman not to divorce? Because they are the ones who generally push the button, often seeking romance and forgetting that marriage is not a romance but a holy calling.
Now for us blokes, I have a few applications from the text.
- Do not over-commit financially. There is temptation to have a nice house, or a shiny car with a nice badge on it: have a small house, and a car that works. There is gear acquisition syndrome (which I do have: I am a musician and photographer). Keep your fitness requirements light: for a time it may be better to do body weight exercises at home and run rather than find the money for the gym. You cannot love money and God: nor can you love money and your family.
- Avoid the high-priced suburbs and cities. Be where the crowds are not: if you have to train in an expensive place, rent, and then buy when you move to the provinces. Let not the bank enslave you
- Talk to your wife. Tell her what is going on. Pray for her, and let her pray for you. Because you are in a hostile environment, and when the kids are small you may be bringing in the only paycheck
- Use all the help you can get. Grandparents, Parents, the Church. Particularly those of your family who are older and have raised kids: we know some tricks, and most of us like looking after little ones.
- Get rid of Sky. (Cable). Because the TV is too tempting a babysitter. Because the memes of the elite are transmitted by the Sci Fi channel, the Sports Channel, Sesame Street and Oprah. You will not deprive your child if they never watch a Disney movie. You will deprive them if they don’t know how to make shelves or grow a garden
- Do not buy into the competitive helicopter parenting memes. Where you work to pay the school fees and the after hours tutoring. The university system and credentialing is going to break. It will force you into living in too small a place, without any grass or parks, and increase the chance that you will be deceived by this world and break.
For those of us who are broken, pray. What has happened cannot be undone: indeed one has to look at this passage and ask if the Roman teaching (where you separate, and do not marry another, and wait for the spouse to return) is more merciful than allowing even limited divorce: the Reformed allow divorce for abandonment despite the clear instructions and pleas of the elders to return to the marital home and bed, and adultery.
But both are far more merciful than allowing divorce and a whim, and leaving families broken and bereft, then covering it with case-law that means than an annulment is available. For marriage is not merely about attraction or our desire for each other. It is not merely romance.
Not that I do not enjoy romance, and desire. I do not have the perfection of the autist or monk: I’ve loved, lost, and have been battered by the courts yet still return.
But if we are going to teach that we shall not divorce we need to set up our young couples in such a manner that they can survive. The neo liberal elite, the advertising agencies, the memes fo this world try to tell us that we can be the elite — have the personal trainers, the nannies, the executive secretaries and house staff that mean that we are always well polished in public and we can delegate the heavy lifting to others. At the cost of our children bonding with the staff, and not with us.
Let us instead be humble, play not the game of the world, and watch our love grow deeper.