I first read this a few days ago and I could not get this out of my head. It makes no sense. On Saturday I went to the Pro Photog’s place and we were playing a card game with her family and friends. For fun. But we were keeping count of the score, and that made it more amusing. Particularly as the Pro Photog was winning for a while, and then one of the guests started winning… and then it was shared around.
Three women, Two men. And cards for fun, and conversation, and we kept score.
The main reason that I have gone paleo, or the main trigger, is that there is a competition at the gym about percentage weight loss, and they are suggesting low carbs as the way forward. I may not win, but I am competing. And the pro photog texted me after the a badminton tournament — because she won all her games, which made her happy and me happy for her.
Then I read this and wonder why the stupid is happening.
When we finished that task, the boys and I played a game to practice categorizing vocabulary items which involved competing to see who could be the first one to accumulate a word from each of five given categories. I guess you could say everyone “wins” if they participate because they learn the words, but the actual game (and the only part the boys really cared about) involved someone winning by beating the other players and being first.
The boys tried to remind each other regularly about their individual imminent victory. However, it was really stressing out the mother who was watching; whenever her son would get excited about acquiring another word and start to say “I’m about to win!” she’d jump in and say, “It’s not about winning; that’s not the point.” I finally gently and respectfully pointed out that the game was in fact a competition and the object of the game was to win.
That was twice in one week that I had noticed the same thing from two different mothers, and I wondered what was going on with all this mother anxiety about children competing and getting excited about trying to win.
What. the. Hell. is. wrong. with. these. mothers.
Have they not got boys? Have they never seen them play computer games? Competition is part of being human. It is part of being male. Not everything is shared. In my youth I never won the first prize in any cross country race, but I competed — and fought for a place in the top 20, which helped the squad win, even if someone from the another squad took individual honours.
Competition is good. It teaches you, particularly if you have a Dad on the sidelines who is doing his job, to be gracious in defeat, and in victory. Competition teaches risk. And competition exists in every playground, where it is compulsory (at least before puberty — when the boofheads prefer to chat up the girls during breaks rather than use you as a tackle bag in bullrush[1] you can go to the library and curl up with Tolkein, but only then).
It is far better to learn about risk on a field where you land on dirt and the worst thing that can happen is a broken arm than be sheltered until adulthood, when far worse things can happen to you, with far less ability for you to manage the associated risks.
My only hope for these poor boys is computer games. I am reliably informed that trash talking is not merely encouraged, but graded there. Which is why it is the favoured electronic means of communication of those under 30 in Casa Pukeko.
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1. I am not making up the broken arms: we had one a term at my intermediate school (ages 10 to 12). The rules are fairly accurately described here.
Online gaming trash talking is its own art form. Wretch language, but hilarious in its casualness. “F*** off and die!” is a casual greeting in some parts of the Internet.
But that’s also part of the reason why Online Games have gotten so popular. The playing field is almost wholly based off the Skill you develop and it’s utterly merit-based: you either can or can’t. When you have to learn to play most youth sports with Girls, you’re handicapped the entire way up.
Thank you for the link back, Chris.
I don’t know that anything is necessarily wrong with the mothers. It’s society that’s all messed up. Mothers are responsible for socializing children, and these women have no doubt rightly perceived that it is now socially-unacceptable for boys to be competitive or take pleasure in winning, so they are trying to socialize their children to fit in to society. I’m sure it’s not even a conscious thing they are doing, if you know what I mean.
But I think it’s still unhealthy for the boys. They should be taught humility and good sportsmanship, but they shouldn’t have the drive to win shamed out of them.
Good luck with your paleo competition!
My mother was a phys-ed teacher. She loved sport and competition, teaching girls mostly. Her family of boys were into rugby and boxing. It caused no end of family strife. To her the game and skills were all, to us it was winning. In rugby to take a knock without losing your wick and pushing on to the finish, you and 14 mates were against the other 15 [and the ref]. In boxing you stepped in the resin then into the ring, entirely on your Pat Malone and you had one objective, to subdue your opponent or he would subdue you. We are wired differently. Don’t talk to me of body mechanics skill and fluidity, talk to girls about that. Talk to your sons about winning. Thats what makes them men that provide for women.