There is a commentator out there called Hollenhund who generally has it in for Alte, (or V.) because she blogs in bursts, generally under various names.

Man has no charity. V. was the main author of Traditional Christianity, and is now living elsewhere — and comments at times elsewhere. But she is raising kids and caring for her husband. And, since I managed to find a link for SSM that she cited, I thought I better quote some more of her better statements.

The first is about good wifery from a woman is is a good wife: as such, it is there as a help for our sisters who are married.

Truly, the only thing that makes a wife a good wife is obedience. Both her submissive behavior and her willingness to follow direction. The way I see it, my husband is responsible for everything getting done and done correctly (according to what he believes is right). But he can’t do everything on his own, so God provides him with a help-meet: me!

He’s parceled out many of his responsibilities to my care, and simply expects me to do them according to his guidelines. Sometimes the guidelines are explained in detail, but usually he simply trusts me to protect his interests. Every once in a while, he’ll check in to see how things are running. But he generally trusts me, and expects me to work competently and loyally. It would be very difficult for him if he felt that he couldn’t trust me.

That means that flexibility, ingenuity, and observance are key. A woman with overly rigid ideas of what “good wifery” is like (defined by a list of chores, for example), will often be less useful than one that is willing to simply follow along and do what needs to be done. A good wife has internalized her husband’s priorities and values, and puts effort into actively supporting them.

And, as a fan of Winnicott, I enjoy the phrase “Good enough”. The psychodynamic meaning is that meets sufficient needs for a children — Winnicott’s good enough mother neither is perfect and smothering nor neglectful and slatternly. Cecilia expanded.

The biggest factor in marital bliss is actually something I call the good-enough wife. She may be great, she may not be, but she’s good-enough to keep around. There’s a good-enough husband, as well.

So, for all women who are wondering what the good-enough wife looks like, here she is. The good-enough wife:

1. doesn’t nag. She can probably get away with the occasional nag, but she’s generally pleasant to be around and doesn’t drive her poor husband to despair with her haranguing.
2. doesn’t act like a jerk. She doesn’t tell him how stupid he is, doesn’t throw a fit if he gets laid off, doesn’t compare him to other husbands and find him lacking, offers constructive help when she needs to, etc.
3. doesn’t cheat. She sleeps with her husband regularly and doesn’t sleep with anyone else. A very simple rule that there appears to be some confusion about.
4. is a good-enough homemaker. She may not be a very good cook, but the food is regularly produced, edible, and nutritious. The house is basically neat, and the laundry isn’t piled up to the ceiling.
5. is a good-enough mom. She may not be the world’s-greatest mother, but she does a decent job and the kids benefit from her presence.
6. doesn’t leave. And she sure as heck doesn’t deprive a good-enough dad of his kids, even if she can’t stand him personally.
7. is gracious. She is appreciative of the works and doings of the good-enough husband.
8. doesn’t get really fat or dress like a slob. Self-explanatory.
9. is frugal. She doesn’t spend her family’s money like it’s going out of style, tries to reign in her purchases, and follow a budget.
10. marries a good-enough husband. Any woman who knowingly marries a jerk, is a jerk.

In the post The Good-Enough Wife, I explore the idea that there’s a lower bar on behavior that allows a woman to be categorized as a “good wife”. There’s a similar bar for men. Here’s the details:

The Good-Enough Husband:

1. isn’t abusive towards his wife or children.
2. contributes to the raising, protection, and provision of his children.
3. doesn’t cheat on his wife or ask her for immoral sexual favors.
4. isn’t a junkie, alcoholic, compulsive gambler, or other addict.
5. is careful with his family’s financial resources.
6. has adequate personal hygiene. (this one is surprisingly important for women)
7. is a leader in his home.
8. interacts regularly with his children.
9. tries to set a good example of spousal love for his children.
10. doesn’t abandon his family.

If I ever end up married again, may I be good enough, for I will never be perfect.