You better be prepared to raise her kids…

My children are sick of that saying. When they ask about sex (and they do) I say that ideally you marry someone when you are young who is Godly and a virgin.

And sleeping with another is not an option. If you leave sperm on her or in her, she can use those to conceive, or conceive despite fervently wanting not to. If you sleep with her, you better be prepared to raise the children (and all precautions can fail. Including vasectomy).

It is therefore unwise to be a playa. Unless you really like the family court: and here listen to the advice of those who have been there. You will not like the family court.

Young women should listen to the advice of older women. The bits you do not want to hear. Like this.

… women are being irresponsible if they aren’t thinking pragmatically enough when choosing the future father of their children. Even if he has a good character and some swagger, if he can’t feed the babies then he’s probably a bad choice.

Also, I think we need to distinguish between men who have the qualities necessary for being a good husband and those who have the qualities necessary for picking up women at parties. Those qualities can overlap, but they are often possessed by two different groups of men. And, in the end, it’s the former qualities that will lead most reliably to marital satisfaction, with the latter qualities being a nice-to-have.

As women get older, they choose more pragmatically, which is why younger women need good advice from older women who understand the libido-inducing effects of a steady income.

Now, this is sensible. You need a certain income to provide for children, and the regulations around kids are increasing. While I had to find car seats until the kids were around 7, now they need them longer… and in some countries (Canada, cough, splutter) there are minimum temperatures to keep your house at — or welfare will take your children. And all this costs. The current system, at least in the USA, assumes that the man will support — either in a marriage (with or without a license) or via the state demanding monies off him.

So women who are looking for marriage material should look at the young man’s prospects: accepting that (unless we want people to marry late and tolerate the increased rate of fornication) that he will just be getting established and his income should improve with age. While accepting there are risks: one of the reasons men make more money is that they do the front-line and dangerous or dirty and disgusting jobs which lead to a far greater mortality rate.

So to some good advice for the girls from SSM’s place.

We’ve talked about this before, but the problem with the “we were making out and then it just happened” scenario is that the time for making that decision was before she went home with him, before her mind was clouded with the buzz from taking the risk of being alone with him and the hormones and pheromones from sustained heavy petting (I think we can safely assume there was plenty of contact below the neck before he made his demand). Going home with a guy and getting to second or third base on his couch and then trying to stop is like baking a cake, filling your house with the smell, coating it with icing, cutting a piece and putting it on your plate, and then trying to refuse it to stick to your diet. Is it possible to stop at that point? Yes. Is it likely? No.

The time to stick to your diet is when you’re at the grocery store thinking about walking down the aisle with the flour and sugar. The time to preserve your chastity is when he suggests going to his place. Even better, do it when you decide what to wear for the party, and skip over the miniskirt and halter top. Even better, decline when your slutty dorm friends invite you along to the frat party. Even better, don’t go off to college in the first place, thinking you’re all-growed-up and totally in charge of your actions.

[ssm: Ladies! Especially you young single ladies! Go back and read this comment five times. Lust and gluttony are problems for us – the time to avoid those sins is before the temptation is so great. Stay away from cads altogether. You can’t flirt with them or make out with them. You will almost always end up doing more.]

The problem is that we are designed to desire each other. In heterosexual ways (for the majority of us). Heterosexual sex makes babies. And binds us together. The modern man and woman has to expunge that sense of oneitis that is a feature, not a bug of sex.

[And for those who do have Same Sex Attraction, or are single for a reason, the need to control ourselves and not put ourselves in situations where we will make out is important. For once we start, it’s more than an even change we will continue. From that comes babies, broken hearts (and the hell of the family court for the gay and the straight), and difficult to manage health issues. Most STDs have nasty multi-resistant strains]

So we need to think with our big head much more that with our genitalia. Despite the little head between our legs making various sounds of appreciation. Men have to decide if she is going to be a flake or not. If she will just walk out with the kids, break her word, or break the marriage — by sleeping around (or more effectively) false accusations of violence.

Women have to decide if he is fundamentally decent and if she can obey him and serve him. If he can produce enough income for both of them to survive if the children are small. And there many women need help. In traditional terms, the prospective fiancée had to ask permission and make a marriage contract which was not about desire but about finances, trusts and provision for any children.

And that is, in these days of the family court, and feminism, a wise move. We need to, whenever possible contract out and opt out. So that, (god forbid) if you are hit on the way home by the Clapham omnibus, your widow or widower knows what will happen and can keep on going. And so that the consequences of straying when times are hard are such that you stay together.

Then, with the marriage contract negotiated, we should encourage short engagements, small weddings, and the resurrection of the older marital structure, that will survive. For the welfare state will not.