Breakpoint is part of Colson’s group of ministries. Charles Colson has two claims to fame: he took part of the fall for Nixon in the Watergate scandal, and on release from prison he set up prison fellowship.

On his website (and I got here via Captain Capitalism that one of their bloggers had noted that the marriage rate was down and he was rightly concerned. (He’s late to the party: a good analysis of this occurred at the wapiti)

Anyway, Eric Metaxas noted at the Breakpoint.

As USA Today put it, “cohabitation has emerged as a precursor and a competitor to marriage.” Well, given the decline in marriage rates, I would argue that it’s more of a competitor than a precursor.

And the cohabitation statistics tell us very little about the growing number of out-of-wedlock births among women in their 20s, as we’ve talked about before on BreakPoint. For an ever-increasing number of Americans, the nuclear family is, even when finances permit, just one option among several.

Of course, none of this changes the well-documented, if usually played-down, fact that married parents are what’s best for children and, thus, best for society on the whole. Virtually every “adverse outcome”—poverty, poor performance in school, crime, drug use—is significantly more prevalent among those raised in single-parent homes.

If American marriage was about what’s best for children, these truths might have more traction. Unfortunately, it’s not. Today marriage is more about adult gratification.

That’s why Christians not only have to point out the errors in our culture’s beliefs about marriage, we have to embody the way things should be. We have to provide a model that can be emulated. That means teaching our kids about the joy and value of marriage. And it means strengthening marriages in our own families and in our congregations. It’s an indispensable part of what it means to be the “light of the world.” And it’s a light that an increasingly dark world desperately needs.

Now, I would disagree on two things, and they bring me to the comment that led to all the fights. The first is that kids do best with two parents. Those who conceived them. Not stepmoms or stepdads. Marriage is a good marker for this, but being raised by parents in a common-law (or de facto) marriage is quite different from being raised by a solo parent. What Eric forgot to add is that cohabitation is less stable than marriage, and that cohabitation will get you dragged through the family courts just and brutally, just as hard, and leave you with just as many scars.

Now the Betchloff called this, saying (in part)

Nobody wants to get divorced when they get married, but my generation grew up seeing that was a very real possibility. We have seen that the divorce industrial complex can and will chew a man up and spit out the broken remains.

So at this point marriage for a man is to put his wallet and his manhood in a blender and hoping his spouse never chooses to turn it on.

So all this talk of “well just don’t get divorced” is missing the point. First of all one spouse can initiate a divorce in most states regardless of the other spouse’s wishes. Also when seeing the risk many men just don’t get involved in the institution to begin with. So there is no marriage to work on.

And then the good people of the church were horrified. How dare someone criticize marriage. I would have said, well, yeah, but if you live with her you are putting your wallet, your manhood and your soul in the blender, because if a marriage in the current situation is akin to building on sand, cohabitation is building on quicksand. But instead we got stuff like this.

Please read what LeeQuod wrote titled “unquestionably”. Please read it several times. Fixing the problem does not mean fixing the court system to be better for men. If you have to go to a family court over your marriage, you have already blown the deal. How about working on fixing your marriage, so you never need to go to court? LeeQuod talks about dying-to-self, I don’t think you got that message.

I have been through some rough spots with my spouse, but we never considered tossing in the towel so divorce has never been an option. We attend marriage seminars, etc. to help. Having learned to think more highly of your spouse’s needs that your own needs has been huge. We both practice that principle. Has that been easy, certainly not. Has it worked perfectly, no. We are both imperfect humans prone to moments of failure. But we both lean heavily on Jesus, and He helps to hold us together

This commentator is missing the point. Many of us who are divorced died to everything. We tried to become doormats, We prayed, we sought help, we tried to work through it.

But when one person decides she or he is going, there is now absolutely nothing you can do. The only grounds for divorce is that one person wants out. That’s it. And our society encourages women (not men) to seek their development.

Telling us to man up does not work when it means moving to an unbiblical and spineless position. If you want to see a more healthy discussion, the dirty minded Papists and Baptists are having one right now.

So I chimed in.

Do you want to know why the church is empty? Why I leave, with my sons, straight after the service?

I have been burnt. Twice (I was stupid as well as sinful). In two countries.

The family court is destructive and they will get in and ruin marriages unless you have Amish-like systems of shame and shunning.

Now, you can say this should not happen. I would agree with you.

You can say there are good women out there. Again I agree with you, and I will also note that some of them are not married.

You can say this is a US problem, but I’ve dealt with family court and child welfare agencies in Canada (where my daughter was raised) and in New Zealand (where I am raising my boys as a solo Dad).

Until we start.
a. Counselling virginity until marriage.
b. Setting up chaperoned places where people can meet (College does not count)
c. Encourage early (girl around 20, boy 25 or so) marriage.
d. Teach I Samuel (God looks on the heart) and Timothy (Training is good and Godly training better)

… we will have a problem.

So Bechloff is being rational . Besides, unless you are burning with desire (and you should be to get married in this climate) it’s better to just go and have a cold shower.

You don’t have to like how this world is. You can organize your church to be different from the world. But, sitting in NZ, I see the US church as so embedded in the sand of their culture the only part of their bodies exposed is their feet.

It’s time for us to opt out. To have our own rules, and stay as far away from the state as possible.