This is the second post: the first was for girls. Now, a lot of what was said there applies to boys as well. However, young men have another risk in the current legal and churchian environment: their marriage can be ended unilaterally, and this can spiritually, emotionally and financially cripple them.
Many women choose to return to the church to find a man who will provide for them — when they realize that they cannot keep the bad boys they lust for. It is difficult to tell if that woman has had her heart changed… or is saying that she has.
One option you should seriously consider is singlehood. The priesthood: the mission field — but in these days, in our society, you will be seen as creepy, gay, or both. Our society expects men to be married. Being single carries a stigma. But… some are called to be single for the kingdom.
The resf of us have to choose wisely. The following are a set of “tells” or warning signs culled from a tread at Dalrock’s . It all started with a comment from Dawn
I think my youngest who is 17 has some sense to see these kinds of girls. My 20 year old who is High functioning Autism would not , I believe that he would jump into a relationship with any kind of girl ( as long as she looked like a girl). I used to tell them monsters look like regular people you can’t always tell. We need to get better about telling the difference.
Youngest doesn’t like: girls who dress sleazy- they are just giving it away.. girls who are upity- “Girls are so much better than boys”.. girls who where too much makeup- “look at me” … girls who want to compete with him “she just wants to be a man”
Help me to recognize them. Remember these boys were homeschooled did not have a lot of exposure to females in general
Deti started the ball rolling. I;m taking his list, and then editing it down, and adding other peoples comments — from Dalrock,
1. She talks openly about sex and her past partners. Or conversely, she is defensive about her past and refuses to talk about it. She lies about her past sex partner count (in my experience, nearly all women lie about this).
2. She dresses in public with tight or revealing clothing, esp, showing a lot of cleavage. She consistently dresses in a manner calculated to attract male attention.
3. She tells you about all the places she’s traveled. (“Well-traveled” for a woman really means “I went to lots of different places, and along the way I slept with a lot of men I didn’t know very well. I slept with them on vacations and trips because I knew I’d never see them again and wouldn’t have to deal with them or the reputation I might get.)
4. She has that “hard” look about her, a look that says “high mileage”, to put it crassly. Look for signs of premature aging: premature wrinkles or gray hair; pallid, grayish skin tone; perpetually dilated pupils; glassy eyes; premature crows feet; wrinkles on neck or decolletage. (Particularly look for this on a woman who hasn’t reached age 30.) This shows the toll hard partying takes on a woman’s body. These are signs of heavy drinking, heavy smoking, pulling all nighters, a diet laden with junk food, and/or possible illegal drug use.
5. She exhibits a coarse, jaded, cynical outlook on life.
6. She speaks prolifically in profanity and vulgarity.
7. Obsessed with the sexual double standard (slut vs stud). Even a strong opinion here should be troubling. This is different than a disgust with promiscuity across the board.
8. (related to 7) Uncomfortable judging bad behavior in women.
The question is not what they say, but what they do. And all these are more difficult to see in the very young. A foolish young woman can be partying, sleeping with multiple men.. but speak nice, look innocent, and dress modestly.
The problem is that it almost impossible to stop ageing quickly if you party up that much.
I would add: do not discount the shy, the ones who are not confident, and the ones who are busy doing lots of other things. You are looking for a wife, not a belle de jour. You need to work out that she has a clue, is not a princess, crazy, and has a biblical sense of womanhood… before you get into a sense of commitment.
Look at her family. If you think you need to go home and scrub down, or call for a social worker, or you can’t stand her Mum, RUN. SIt is quite likely that she will look like her Mum and have a similar character in 20 years time.
And, again, ask your Dad. And your Mum. If they are sensible, and she is not, they will pick it. It’s called using other people’s experience.
UPDATE.
Fred reminds me that it is belle du jour. Well, my French is limited to saying I don’t speak it, and asking for coffee. My fault
“(“Well-traveled” for a woman really means “I went to lots of different places, and along the way I slept with a lot of men I didn’t know very well. I slept with them on vacations and trips because I knew I’d never see them again and wouldn’t have to deal with them or the reputation I might get.)”
That’s a rather snappy judgement. But the rest is good. Great post, Chris.
There is well traveled and well traveled. working overseas, great. Missionary trips, great.
Defining travelled as going to Ibiza or Schoolies week as well as Spring Break… not so.
No, the beaches of Florida is not cultured traveling
“A foolish young woman can be partying, sleeping with multiple men.. but speak nice, look innocent, and dress modestly.”
This is true. I can not tell you how many times I’ve met girls who were sweet and feminine, but were either sluuts or damaged goods in some way or another-one of these girls had a great family and a mother that was pleasant(but unfortunately had the habit of letting her daughter party and get drunk and hiding said fact from the father). Hell, Rusty and I have talked about this quite a bit at Traditional Christianity and Patriactionary quite a bit; the vast majority of Southern girls are very feminine, but extremely dysfunctional. There of the kind that’ll blow and screw you on Fridays and Saturdays and drag you to church on Sundays. It’s kind of amusing but sad as well. Oh well; it’s like what Dr. Fleming has said: “Any rational man without faith in God or a sense of humor would have blown his brains out by now”. Thankfully, by the grace of God, I have both.
Let’s be honest. Deti has a point here. How many small-town or suburbs Church girls are well-traveled? This reminds me of MOSES Nicholas’s assessment of modern femininity: http://www.chroniclesmagazine.org/2011/08/22/jerks-cases-of-arrested-development/
MOSES Nicholas: “Here’s a couple of subtypes of the archetypical vicious modern female, otherwise known as a _____:
1. The Material Girl. This female never becomes a woman at all. Her father spoiled her and was emotionally abusive (absent too often); her notion of a man is therefore as a means to material ends. Obsessed only with style and appearance, she’ll do anything to look good and she will pick an unfortunate male victim who will indulge her usually in exchange for her sexual favors. She wants a good-looking man, a good-looking car, a good-looking house, and a good-looking photo album. That is why she is obsessed with finding a man to take her to France and Italy on holiday, not because she admires French and Italian culture, but because she wants the souvenir photos in front of the Eiffel Tower and the Colosseum: in American prestige folklore, after all, it “looks good” to have traveled to France and to Italy.
2. The Psychopathic Prostitute. This type is a predator, a savage. This is the sort of woman who’s a ruthless businesswoman. This woman is determined to have her way and will let no one stop her. This is the sort of woman who fires her brother because he bills her for her dressing room. She will parade her body and everything else in public if it will help her achieve her goals.
3. The Fly-By-Nighter. This type has certain notions of romance and beauty that go beyond those of the Material Girl, but rather than seek out the larger significance she stays stuck on the superficial romantic trappings. If she enters into a marriage, her motivation is probably not simply to “look good” to others, but once the internal luster has worn off she will start looking elsewhere for romantic satisfaction. She will pursue this romantic satisfaction even at the expense of her children, if she has any. She will not be above abandoning her husband and even kids for good for another “hot new model.”
Actually, poor fathers are a common thread in most of the specimens of each of these types, but that’s another story.”
MOSES Nicholas:
“Forgot to add. These three subtypes can all be identified as well by the respective types of men they seek:
The Material Girl seeks a trophy husband, a highly attractive rich man and rarely anything more. But if she is clever, she will seek out a rich man who is just effeminate enough not to care if he has no heirs (who would share his fortune with her when they die). She often ends up with a man just as materialistic and good-looking as herself, and so it’s anyone’s guess as to which one will initiate the divorce first.
The Psychotic Prostitute cares little about marriage unless it will advance her career or other interests. Men for her are little more than props for her perverse pleasures, be they monetary, sexual or otherwise. If she be physically attractive, her options are of course much wider–and her list of victims much longer. The jerk as Dr. Fleming describes is a good match for her, since he seeks out “instant gratification” and will turn off what remains of his brain to walk into her sadomasochistic trap.
The Fly-By-Nighter may actually end up with a decent, respect-worthy man. This is because she seeks qualities that good people tend to admire and try to cultivate, even though she does not understand the deeper goodness of character and intellect that animates those qualities. The decent man may easily fall victim if he has grown up in a wholesome, tight-knit community of family and friends where he was not the one who had to watch out for the kind of company he and his siblings were keeping; as such, he may neglect to fully observe and apprehend the superficiality of his charmed and sentimental woman until it is too late.”
Obviously, there are more types of Femme Fatales that we men have to look out for(Roissy did a great series of articles on that), but the kind that is “well-travelled” strikes me as the Material Girl in MOSES Nicholas’s parlance. Going around to France and Italy to look good(and get pumped hard) seems to be what Deti is talking about.
The girls that Rusty and I have come across would probably be Fly-By-Nighters. I tend to be the kind of guy who gets sucked into those types of girls; the ones that are really feminine, hot, but unbelievably dysfunctional.
It’s difficult. Really difficult. Thanks for this article, Chris.