There are two parts to this. The first is that the world should hate us. It should hate. For we are the inconvenient ones, we are the ones that continue to be disciplined, we are the ones who preach that there is such a thing as evil and not all can be resolved by projecting the hatred out in what people think is therapy, but is not [1].
Nothing new here. Cain killed Abel because Cain knew Abels acts would be a witness against him. The early church was formed in persecution, in a society that was oppressive, and where pederasty was seen as the highest form of love.
And in particular, we should not hate. Let the evil ones hate. Let them refuse to associate. Let them try to micro regulate. For they are trying to build a hell by their own acts, which they call spirituality or creating heaven on earth.
For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. We should not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother’s righteous. Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you. We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.
By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.
(1 John 3:11-18 ESV)
The handmaiden of hatred is fear. Because we hate, we see all others around us as competition, as enemies, those who we need to control. We will advocate stronger and stronger rules, more monitoring, more cameras, a move to a panoptican state.
There is in your varied comments a hint of fear. Stop fearing and enjoy this exploration of questioning, answering, and thinking through the comments of your intended and you. The less your fear, the more clarity of understanding you will achieve. Every time you are with your potential spouse, sense the thrill of discovery in understanding yourself and another human being. Thank God that you have this opportunity. Again stop fearing.
The beauty of Christianity is that no matter what missteps you or your potential spouse make, your discontent will always be sourced in you. And, your spouse’s discontent will always originate in him. This is the true joy of obedience to Christ. No matter what you may experience from your outer environment which you have no control over, your power is in that you control your inner spiritual environment which you have compete control over. Remember, if your peace is dependent on another’s behavior then you have no true freedom. St. Francis said in a more poetic but more succinct way, it is better to love than be loved, God bless
Now, in this world we are fallen. We need to work with each other. We spend all too long trying to find someone who is perfect, or, worse, make that person perfect. Some of those things that are licit within circumstances are not licit outside of them: war, for instance is organized murder, yet no person should hang a soldier for doing their duty, or the marital act is not a reason to call a wife a sex worker.
The guidance we have within the law is to allow us to love more perfectly. The way we do this will differ. Because we are different. And love is not nice.
I suggest you place yourself in Peter’s shoes in John 21:15-19. You have failed in a truly spectacular way, a way which will be remembered for all eternity. You are deeply ashamed of your failure, and the moment you realized what you had done you wept bitterly. You have also been physically separated from Christ and are reunited with Him for the first time. You are so excited to see Him again that you dove into the sea to swim to Him. But before Christ welcomes you back, He strongly rebukes you three times, reminding you of your failure and questioning if you love Him. Only once you demonstrate that you are truly heartbroken does He acknowledge that He knows you are sorry, telling you that because of your repentance you will die a painful and humiliating death.
Do you still think your reaction to the leadership of Jesus in the flesh would always be to automatically want to submit? Isn’t it much more likely you would sometimes at least initially** be hurt and angry, and accuse Him of being unloving and unworthy of your submission?
We are called to love. Which means saying the truth: which means leading or helping, depending on what our role is, and what circumstances. It does not mean acceding to the feelings of the offended, or expecting that the other will make you feel nice or the time, or that your material wants will just be provided. It means being confronted. It involves tears. Peter was going to die, as Christ did, to share in his suffering, and to count that as honour [2]. Love costs.
And that which is free is either grace, which cost someone else, or false.
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1. Psychodynamic therapy involves realizing that your instinctive emotional reactions are wrong, understanding them and changing. Cognitive therapy showed you did not need to find the unconscious: with less effort you can identify errors in your thinking, and change. Both require change. And change hurts.
2. I think the only apostle who was not martyred was John, and he died in exile on Patmos.
