My theology is Reformed, and when it comes to matters relating to marriage this matters. Because the Reformed see Marriage as a civil event: blessed by God, and instituted by God, like the magistrate. They see marriage between believers as something that should not end. But in this fallen world, adultery and abandonment occur.

And when there is no reconciliation despite admonition, divorce is allowed, and the offending party excommunicated: the innocent party is to remain in peace. An example of this is what Jenny Erikson’s old church did to her, and I am leaving her comment in place, because the influence of feminism and the breaking of bonds has become so habitual that people do not see them.

As you know we have announced to you the great sin committed and the grievous offense given by our fellow-member, Jennifer Erikson, to the end that, by your Christian admonitions and prayers, she might come to her senses, turn to God, and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will (2 Tim. 2:26).

[Another side note. Snare of the Devil. I’m sorry, but I just snorted. Y’all should’ve heard it. It was totally sexy. Snare. Of. The. Devil.]

But to our great sorrow no one has yet appeared before us who has caused us to understand that, by the frequent admonitions given her (in private, before witnesses, and in the presence of many)[False. Very, very false. I met with Leif and one elder the morning after I left him, and one elder, ALONE, soon after that. They both said I was a sinner-sinner-pumpkin-eater and I figured I was better off not heeding their advice to meet with My Pastor], she has come to any sorrow for her sin or has shown the least evidence of true repentance. Since, then, by her stubbornness she daily aggravates her transgression, which in itself is not small, and since we have made known to you the last time that in case she did not repent, after such patience shown her by the church [Patience? Y’all have ex-communicated me in less than six months. When has that happened before? I mean like maybe if I were convicted of a crime or something, but hot dang this was lightning quick — which I guess is your decision to make, but to then brag about your patience is making my eyes roll] we should be constrained further to grieve for her and to come to the extreme remedy, we are therefore at the present time compelled to proceed to her excommunication. We do this according to the command and charge given us in God’s holy Word. Our purpose is that she may be ashamed of her sins, that by this corrupt and as yet unrepentant member we may not put the whole body of the church in danger, and that God’s Name may not be blasphemed but reverenced.

Jennifer is another Gomer, another example of how to err, particularly if a woman. And she has this — I have not edited it — up at her blog. At the time she was roundly criticized: some of the most cutting scorn came from Catholic women, taking their faith seriously, often in difficult marriages, dealing with poverty, depression (them and their spouse, serially and together) and the ongoing pressure to swallow the secular kool-aid and become another apostate. To leave the rock on which the church is founded, which is Christ, for prizes and that small hades called post divorce dating.

(I do not throw photos away. This was taken in 2011, and it is useful)

Now the innocent party is allowed to marry, in fact Paul suggests that unless you have the gift of celibacy you should remarry, lest desire become a vice, but within Christ. But divorce should be rare, and seen as a source of congregational shame, named publicly, and repented of: that we were unable to guide our brother and sister in remaining within the faith.

And God would prefer we be reconciled. Consider what he says to Israel and to Gomer. The word Ba’al means Lord, Master. A word Sarah called her husband, and a word reserved for that man, and for men to our liege, with prayers that our liege. her majesty Queen Elizabeth, uses that word to describe her saviour

The Lord’s Mercy on Israel

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

“And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.

“And in that day I will answer, declares the LORD,
I will answer the heavens,
and they shall answer the earth,
and the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil,
and they shall answer Jezreel,
and I will sow her for myself in the land.
And I will have mercy on No Mercy,
and I will say to Not My People, ‘You are my people’;
and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”

(Hosea 2:14-23 ESV)

Our God is a god of reconciliation, and if possible that should happen. Before divorce. I may be wrong here, but once you have been considered dead to the other — which is the teaching of the Westminster Confession on divorce– you cannot remarry: it would be a form of spiritual necrophilia.

This world is fallen. We need to be careful in our discernment. We need to be within a congregation, the congregation in a consistory, for a wise man (and woman) seeks advice and prayer. It is important, essential, that one is head over heels in love with one to whom you would pledge your troth, and in these fallen days place your wealth, your reputation and your children in her hand.

For our law does not encourage certainty, but instead rewards those who make marriage fungible, regardless of the fallout.

So if you fall in love and you are divorced, you have to not merely think as you did when you are single. You have children: you have responsibilities, and you may be limited on where you can live by regulations and laws.

Despite your wish to rekindle a sexual relationship, it is quite unwise to do so until you both have discerned that this is true and proper, there is no impediment to your marriage, and you have done this.

Which requires prayer, discernment, and then very short engagements, lest one sin. I have found out, personally, that getting into bed beforehand leads to (a) sex goggles and a lack of discernment (b) wimpification if you have a conscience, and you think of what you are doing to her soul, for the guilt will get you.

Yes, this sounds incredibly cold blooded: and a lizard am I not. But one should not merely rely on the fact she is cute. One needs to discern what she brings to the marriage. Look at her kids (if she has them), how she manages her life, if she is Godly… and ask advice. Particularly of your married sisters (in Christ, if sisters in blood you lack). And kindly note this was written by a woman.

I see guys doing it all the time. I have a cousin who is now a repeat offender and his life is total suck. But. he. just. won’t. learn. Every woman he knew said — both times — DON’T MARRY HER! and he was like, “You just don’t know her like I do. She’s a nice person, and she’s pretty and likes children.”

*facepalm*

That doesn’t actually make her all that special. Women can keep that up until after the wedding. No problem. She’s like a ticking bomb and you don’t want to be the guy holding her when she goes off.

As Elspeth said in a previous thread: So “pretty, nice, and likes kids” are really not the foundation to look for in a wife.

This. I don’t understand why men don’t understand this. These are things that come cheap to her, so why place so much value upon them? And then they put a ring on it and come over here to whine to us about how terrible their lives are, when we have warned them a million times to vet women like their lives depend upon it.

Because their life does depend upon it. I’ve been to two funerals for men who killed themselves after ending up trapped in a marriage to an unsuitable woman, and I’ve watched other men try to kill themselves or just end up a dreary puddle of pathetic. Is that how you want to end? Then go ahead and wife that up.

These women weren’t even that unusually wicked. They were average. Normal. Pleasant enough, pretty enough, and played nicely with children. That is not enough. It just isn’t. I’m sorry. Women like that are a dime-a-dozen and if that’s all she’s bringing to the table, then you need to give her the pass. Move on.

If you are burning with desire for the other, that makes it much more important. Much more. For this world is gooey on this issue. The propaganda is that a gown and a ring make it all right: and they do. Many a couple fornicated cheerfully until they were confronted by a pregnancy or the elders and then (post shotgun marriage, at times) have been faithful and loving for decades, building a Godly marriage and raising children who walk with the Lord. But that road is hard: there are more tears than if one waits.

Finally, since I have really been preaching to myself, a quick note to women. Housewifery is a craft. If you can keep your house, you can cook, you are able to manage your moods and feelings and make a house cheerful and welcoming, you are bringing more than just your ability to rock a bikini to the relationship. And many men will forgive and overlook other things because they need a wife who will follow that job description, not a woman who tries to be a husband. Men and women are of equal moral value and equally accountable, but we are very different.

And thank God that women are different: most straight guys, me included, really don’t want to end up with functionally a guy with tits, but a woman.