Dark Brightness

Bleak Theology: Hopeful Science

The shrill instrument of satan: Faceberg quote of the month.

I play viola. Ringo played piccolo. He confirms this

This is an actual, currently active Craigslist ad for a piccolo. Comedy worth reading, musician or not.

“They call the trumpet “God’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a month to learn and a lifetime to master. Forget that. I’m giving you the chance to own “Satan’s Instrument.” The instrument that takes a second to hate and a lifetime to get used to. If your goal is world domination, getting the ball rolling on the apocalypse, or simply disarming someone who’s a little too “rapey,” this miniature flute of terror will hold the game down. And how:

Brought to you by Lucifer himself, this Bundy bpc-300 Piccolo will serve his evil minion well. From it’s compact arthritis-inducing body this pipe will unleash a sound that can bring entire crowds of people to their knees in pain and surrender. If you’re thinking of starting a bloody coup, leave the AK-47s and sarin gas at home son, this picc is all you need.

This instrument has the ability to sing an A five lines above the staff so crisp and clear that if you’re not careful may actually cleave your conductor’s brain clean in half. It’s highest note is one only dogs can hear, that composers have dubbed “X.”

Apart from the oboe, this is the only instrument able to kick a field goal of pain right between the goal posts of your unfortunate target’s neurons, resulting in synaptic misfires, blown mental fuses, and a complete breakdown of all left brain activity, leaving the right brain to writhe in pain and confusion whilst scrambling all bodily motor functions. Any soul unlucky enough to wind up on the business end of Beezulbub’s piccolo will instantly be reduced to the fetal position and revoked of their right to free will.

Aside from violating several Geneva Convention protocols, this wailing weaponry can produce frequencies that wreak havoc upon others by causing:
— sudden unexpected nosebleeds
— aphasia
— heart palpitations
— aneurisms
— loss of sanity
— unexplainable rage
— spontaneous combustion
— abandonment of the will to live
— anal leakage

It’s a common mistake to think that the piccolo also has side effects on it’s user. Many claim it causes acute narcissism, but in reality the only people drawn to this instrument are already delusionally narcissistic, have serial killer tendencies, and show traits as promising future dictators.

Since I’m livin’ the dream, I’m retiring from my reign of terror and passing on the torch. Being evil is an arduous, exhaustive effort, and this musical scepter cannot be played by your average whitebread vanilla villain. Only the most cunning, dextrous, morally ambiguous, and questionably sane may apply. Who among you is worthy?

And we now know who gives out the sugar free gummi bears to the orchestra.

2 thoughts on "The shrill instrument of satan: Faceberg quote of the month."

  • Mick says:

    The same effects to the piccolo can be observed while listening to replays of Hulun Clark’s speeches.
    I once suggested broadcasting them as a measure to counter seabirds like albatross hooking themselves on baits during surface longline setting operations. They’d fly away squawking ‘I’ll be good’
    The humourless dolts at the Ministry of Fisheries just marked my personal file as ‘unstable’.

  • pukeko says:

    The face of Helun grating on. Thank you. Nightmare material.

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